Thursday, July 20, 2000
Obviously, no one can compete
with Tiger
By Mitch Albom
Knight Ridder Newspapers
DETROIT — “Good morning, America,
and welcome to our coverage of the British Open from St. Andrews.
Let's get right to the important stuff, shall we? Jim, what did
Tiger Woods have for breakfast?”
“Frank, I'm outside Ye Old Scottish
Pancake House, where I'm told that Tiger ate six pancakes with
— and I'm getting a rough estimate here — four ounces
of maple syrup. He also had some coffee.”
“Coffee? Wow! That shows you what kind
of competitor he is! Let's get a status report on Tiger's arrival.
Sam, whatdya got?'
“Well, Frank, Tiger Woods' car has
entered the St. Andrews grounds, and I'm told that he's . . .
on time!”
“On time? Wow! That shows you what
kind of competitor he is! Before we go to our up-close-and-personal-interview
with Tiger's massage therapist, let's go to Suzy, our fashion
correspondent. Suzy?”
“Frank, sources tell me that Tiger
Woods will be going with a blue ensemble today, somewhere between
navy and teal.”
“Navy and teal? Very bold. That shows
you what kind of competitor he is! As you know, folks, ESPN will
bring you every hole and every shot of Tiger Woods' historic attempt
to capture his first British Open. We'll also go to our `Nose-cam'
for any special facial moves Tiger may make. And our `Shoe-cam'
will capture every step of Tiger's walk.
“In the meantime, I suppose we should
show you some of the other golfers. Greg, you're out there on
the course. How is the rest of the field doing?”
“Uh . . . Jim?”
“Yes, Greg?”
“No one else has shown up.”
“Heh-heh. That's a good one, Greg.”
“No, I'm serious, Jim. None of the
other golfers came. Just Tiger Woods.”
“Well, now, how extraordinary. I guess
we should get to the bottom of this. Let's go to Ben, who is just
outside the locker room. Ben, how's Tiger's shoelace tying going?”
“Right on schedule, Jim. Did the right
foot, now he's on the left foot. And I believe . . . yes, he's
using double knots!”
“Double knots? Wow! That shows you
what kind of competitor he is! Now, back to this issue of the
other golfers. . . . Just a moment . . . I'm told . . . yes, we
have a phone connection to golfer Ernie Els, reached moments ago
in his hotel room.”
“. . . mphhzzty . . . ello?”
“Arnie, this is Jim at ESPN.”
“It's Ernie . . . (yawn).”
“Right. So, Bernie, why aren't you
here at the British Open?”
“It's . . . (yawn) . . . Ernie. And
what's the point?”
“Don't you want to compete?”
“Nah . . . just give it to Tiger .
. . that's what you guys want, isn't it? . . . (yawn) . . . I'll
see y'all at the Weed Eater/Nabisco/Prudential/Frito-Lay Open.
I think Tiger's skipping that one.”
“Well, this is unexpected news. We're
so sorry you won't be competing in the British Open.”
“Uh-huh.”
“One last thing, Hermie.”
“Ernie.”
“Right. How do you like Tiger's chances?”
(Click.)
“Hmm. An unusual development. Meanwhile,
let's go to Tiger's first hole. His historic quest is about to
begin. Trevor?”
“Jim, Tiger Woods is about to tee-off.
. . . Yes, I believe he has teed off! A marvelous tee off! Smashing!”
“It sure was. Let's watch the replay.
Oooh . . . ahhhh. . . . Let's watch it again. . . . By the way,
Trevor, have you seen any other golfers out there?”
“No, Jim. Am I supposed to?”
“Er . . . never mind. Now let's follow
Tiger's progress on the Shoe-cam. There . . . you see him walking
. . . one foot in front of the other . . . calm as can be . .
. amazing . . .
“Wait a moment. I'm told we have the
legendary Jack Nicklaus, here to play his final British Open.
Bonnie is at the clubhouse now. Bonnie?”
“Thanks, Jim. Actually, Jack isn't
here. But we did receive this note from him. It reads. `To all
my fans. It's become apparent that the interest in my story just
isn't there. I realized this when I showed up an hour ago and
everyone was at the Pancake House. Thanks for the memories. (Signed)
Jack.'
“Wow. That's so sad, Jim.”
“I know. Not a word about Tiger's putting.”
“Exactly.”
“Well. Let's check on Tiger's progress.
Luke, how's he doing?”
“Walking to his second shot, Jim.”
“Say, Luke, are you seeing any other
golfers out there?”
“No, Jim. The word is the other golfers
feel we've all but handed this tournament to Tiger before it started,
so why bother playing? Most of them took the week off.”
“Hmm. No David Duval? No Colin Montgomerie?
No Sergio Garcia?”
“Afraid not.”
“Seems a shame, doesn't it?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
“Oh, well. Have you heard Tiger say
anything interesting to his caddie?”
“Actually, I heard him say, `Where
is everybody?' “
“WOW! That's an EXCLUSIVE, folks! And
it goes to show you what kind of competitor Tiger Woods really
is! . . .”
(c) 2000, Detroit Free Press.
Visit the Freep, the World Wide Web site of the Detroit Free Press,
at http://www.freep.com.
Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services.
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